"Whenever we seek to avoid the responsibility for our own behavior, we do so by attempting to give that responsibility to some other individual or organization or entity. But this means we then give away our power to that entity, be it "fate" or "society" or the government or the corporation or our boss. It is for this reason that Erich Fromm so aptly titled his study of Nazism and authoritarianism Escape from Freedom. In attempting to avoid the pain of responsibility, millions and even billions daily attempt to escape from freedom."
by M. Scott Peck, M.D. in The Road Less Traveled
Freedom is a great responsibility; choosing freedom means taking responsibility for our choices and their consequences. In other words: you are not the result of your circumstances, rather of your choices. You always have the choice to pass on the responsibility for your crappy life to society, to economy, to your spouse, to your boss... Because accepting responsibility would mean having to deal with the pain of hard work, mistakes and sacrifise.
So you have two choices:
1. Blame others: you can live passively in a comfortable crappy life, believing that you are powerless and allowing circumstances to command your possibilities (yeah, you don't have to deal with the weight of responsibilities).
2. Be in charge: you can live actively, taking risks and constantly challange yourself to move past your comfort zone: but never settle for less than your freedom to live your life the way you desire it.
So next time you complain about something in your life; step back and reflect for a moment. You always have a choice. Perhaps the reason to stay where you are is more valuable to you, than the price you'd need to pay to be where you want to be. Perhaps you didn't even see the alternative option...
But whether you take the time to see it or not; just know that it's there.
by Anita M. Gardonyi
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What should "commitment" look like?
Why do men run from it? What comes in your mind first when you think of the word: “commitment” in a relationship?
I can tell you right now that the answer will be night and day depending on whether you are a man or a woman. I am even willing to bet that the descriptions of the same word will be drastically different if not totally opposite. I’d like to add, that I am not talking about marriage here: I am implying to relationships of all levels from meeting, dating, serious relationships and even marriage.
Merriam-Webster’s definition:
1. a: an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1) : a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2) : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee
b: mittimus (a warrant of commitment to prison)
2. a: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date
b: something pledged
c: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled
Let me tell you a few synonyms to the word “commitment”: obligation, duty responsibility, binder, liability…
Wow! No wonder that just the mentioning of the word compels guys to run for their lives!
Ladies, I do realize that it is not how we see this (and that the dictionary was obviously published by men). But let’s look at the common perception of how women describe commitment.
Her description will be something like this:
1. You can’t hang out with your friends any more.
2. You can’t look at other women any more.
3. You can’t sit around all Sunday watching TV.
4. You can’t blow your money on new rims or stereo equipment for your car.
5. You have to pretend you like my new dress.
6. You have to pretend my new dress doesn’t make my butt look big.
7. You have to pretend you noticed my new dress.
8. You have to pretend you are not pretending.
9. You have to put up with me bossing you around.
10. ….
Ladies, you know it’s true. You don’t say it, but most women feel this way. We feel the need to control every aspect of our man’s life, as if they are no longer capable of or effective doing so on their own: stripping them of their freedom to be who they are: their very identity (which we fell in love with in the first place, by the way - hopefully).
Well, here is my input on the definition of commitment (not all inclusive). The concept both men and women should embrace and reinforce to create a new and attractive image of the word “commitment” (and maybe become the foundation of a new dictionary written by both men and women).
Commitment
1. Teamwork, integrity, respect and honesty (notice I didn’t say codependency, neediness and control).
2. Devoted to get to know each other and each other’s needs.
3. Acceptance: the freedom to remain and express who you are and what you like to do; and know that I respect your needs and won’t hinder you in any way.
4. Promise to be driven to meet each other’s needs to make each other happy: not because I have to, but because it makes me happy.
5. Dedicated to ensure success, fulfillment and happiness within the relationship for everyone involved (yes that includes self as well).
6. Mutual loyalty and devotion to a person or relationship
7. Promise to help each other and to work through difficult times
8. Realize that we are sharing life with each other (NOT consuming each other’s life)
9. Yes, you can still hang out with your friends :)
Well, these are my thoughts on “commitment” between 2:30am and 4:42am… I am sure there is a lot more to say about it (perhaps even things that make more sense in the daylight)… You are welcome to share them with me!
I can tell you right now that the answer will be night and day depending on whether you are a man or a woman. I am even willing to bet that the descriptions of the same word will be drastically different if not totally opposite. I’d like to add, that I am not talking about marriage here: I am implying to relationships of all levels from meeting, dating, serious relationships and even marriage.
Merriam-Webster’s definition:
1. a: an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1) : a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2) : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee
b: mittimus (a warrant of commitment to prison)
2. a: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date
b: something pledged
c: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled
Let me tell you a few synonyms to the word “commitment”: obligation, duty responsibility, binder, liability…
Wow! No wonder that just the mentioning of the word compels guys to run for their lives!
Ladies, I do realize that it is not how we see this (and that the dictionary was obviously published by men). But let’s look at the common perception of how women describe commitment.
Her description will be something like this:
1. You can’t hang out with your friends any more.
2. You can’t look at other women any more.
3. You can’t sit around all Sunday watching TV.
4. You can’t blow your money on new rims or stereo equipment for your car.
5. You have to pretend you like my new dress.
6. You have to pretend my new dress doesn’t make my butt look big.
7. You have to pretend you noticed my new dress.
8. You have to pretend you are not pretending.
9. You have to put up with me bossing you around.
10. ….
Ladies, you know it’s true. You don’t say it, but most women feel this way. We feel the need to control every aspect of our man’s life, as if they are no longer capable of or effective doing so on their own: stripping them of their freedom to be who they are: their very identity (which we fell in love with in the first place, by the way - hopefully).
Well, here is my input on the definition of commitment (not all inclusive). The concept both men and women should embrace and reinforce to create a new and attractive image of the word “commitment” (and maybe become the foundation of a new dictionary written by both men and women).
Commitment
1. Teamwork, integrity, respect and honesty (notice I didn’t say codependency, neediness and control).
2. Devoted to get to know each other and each other’s needs.
3. Acceptance: the freedom to remain and express who you are and what you like to do; and know that I respect your needs and won’t hinder you in any way.
4. Promise to be driven to meet each other’s needs to make each other happy: not because I have to, but because it makes me happy.
5. Dedicated to ensure success, fulfillment and happiness within the relationship for everyone involved (yes that includes self as well).
6. Mutual loyalty and devotion to a person or relationship
7. Promise to help each other and to work through difficult times
8. Realize that we are sharing life with each other (NOT consuming each other’s life)
9. Yes, you can still hang out with your friends :)
Well, these are my thoughts on “commitment” between 2:30am and 4:42am… I am sure there is a lot more to say about it (perhaps even things that make more sense in the daylight)… You are welcome to share them with me!
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